Jokes - It's gotta make you laugh out loud to post a joke here.

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

Only one rule for this thread. It's gotta make you laugh out loud to post a joke here. No piddly little puns. Risque is okay but use discretion, no coarseness.

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A hamburger walked into a bar and sat down to order a drink.

The bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar, slumps down, and sadly orders a drink.
When the bartender delivers the drink, he notices the atom's glumness
and asks, "Say, hydrogen atom, how come you're so sad?"

The hydrogen atom tells the bartender, "Well, you see, I've lost my electron."

The bartender asks, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes. I'm positive."

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

(My favorite all time.)

A mouse strolls into a dimly lit smoky Animal Club and orders a drink.

The bartender, a gorilla, gives him a beer and asks "How ya doing?"

"Okay," says the mouse, "Just a little horny."

After the mouse has a few drinks a drop dead gorgeous stunning glowing velvet young giraffe comes in.

"Hey, gorilla!" shouts the mouse, "Gimme another one, and send a drink over the giraffe while you're at it."

"Take it easy, mouse." says the gorilla. "She's way way our of your class. Best you stick to your own kind."

"Shut up and just send the drink, you hairy bozo."

A little time goes by and when the gorilla looks up he sees the mouse leaving with the giraffe. "Hmmph" he says to himself.

The next afternoon when the gorilla opens up the Animal Club, he sees the mouse laying outside all bedraggled and beat up looking. The mouse, who can barely move, drags himself in and somehow pulls himself up on a stool. "Gimme a boilermaker (shot and beer). I need a pick me up." he orders.

"Aha!" said the gorilla, "Mouse, I told you the giraffe was way out of your league."

"Nah. It ain't that." said the mouse.

"Oh yeah!?! Then why're you so bushed?"

"Well, I'll tell ya. Between the kissin' and the lovin' last night, I musta run a hunnert miles."

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

One afternoon a gorgeous blonde walks into the Bank Of New York and asks to see a loan officer. The resceptionist takes her back and introduces her to the senior loan officer, After getting the blonde seated, the loan officer offers her something to drink and asks what he can do for her.

She replies that she would like to borrow $5000.

The loan officer inquires why she wants to borrow 5000 dollars and what collateral she might have to secure the loan.

The blonde replies that she is going overseas for a few weeks and that she has a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom to offer as collateral.

The astonished loan officer (so much collateral for such a small loan) inquires about where the collateral is located and the blonde responds that it is parked right in front of the bank.

The loan officer sends a clerk to verify that the Rolls is indeed in front of the bank and prepares the paperwork for the $5000 loan. Sure enough, the clerk reports back that a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom is parked in front of the bank and that it is in perfect condition.

The loan officer asks the blonde to sign the loan papers and he gets her $5000 in cash and hands it over to her. She thanks him and leaves.

The loan officer instructs the clerk to take the keys and move the Rolls to the bank parking lot beneath the building. The clerk does just that. That night at the closing meeting the loan officer recounts the tale of the blonde that is willing to put up a $200,000 Rolls Royce to secure a $5000 loan. Everyone gets a big laugh out of it.

Two weeks later the blonde returns to the bank and asks to see the loan officer. She is escourted to the loan officers office and she states that she wishes to pay off the $5000 loan. The loan officer prepares the paper and asks the blonde for $5000 and an additional $37 in interest. The blonde takes out 5037 dollars and pays the loan officer.

Just as the blonde is getting up to leave, the loan officer says "do you mind if a I ask you something?". The blonde says "no, what would you like to know".

The loan officer says "while you were away I did some research on you and I found out that you're a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5000 to go overseas?"

The blonde smiled and said "Where else in New York can I park a Rolls Royce Phantom for two weeks, still expect it to be there when I return and only pay $37 dollars for parking?"

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked "if I had a dog?"

Duh? On impulse, I told her "no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital the last time." I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. )

Horrified, she asked if I "ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me?"

"No, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me."

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

[Tom Swift]

A man goes to the doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor says "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but... you are very ill. In fact, you're going to die."

{Incredulous} "Oh my God, I can't believe this."
{Shaking now}"Are you serious?"
{Calming down a little.}"How long have I got?"

The doctor looks him in the eye and says "Ten."

{Shocked} "Ten? What do you mean ten? Ten what?"

"Nine..."

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

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"Ho Ho Ho, Gotta Go"

A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling
the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who
happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice,
"Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go, gotta
get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties
and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh, Santa, don't
run a mile; just stay for a while."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh, Santa.
Please. Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa...
Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY
HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get up the
chimney this way!"

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From: "Irene A. Mystery" <ladyhawke@unforgettable.com>

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other
Christmas trees you have had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic
electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an
artificial one in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take
it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look
up underneath it.

6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you
can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around
other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch
football all day.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up
and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

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Quote du Jour

"I don't care what they call me as long as they
mention my name."
-- George M. Cohan

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"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.

2. Even small ones give satisfaction.

3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and
nights.

4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even
with the lights on.

5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break
one of its balls.

8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when
it's past its 'sell by' date.

9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas
tree all year.

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[Gösta H. Lovgren]

Here's mine:

(from a forwarded email)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will ...

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

He's just lying there looking sick, he told me. "I'm serious, Dad . Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

Honey, I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh, my gosh! my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

What? my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage? she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).

No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

Yeah, Bert and Ernie! my son agreed

Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know, she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. We're about to witness the miracle of birth.

Oh, gross! they shrieked.

Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies? my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress, I noted.

It's breech, my wife whispered, horrified.

Do something, Dad! my son urged.

Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911? my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma" (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Let's get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.

I don't think lizards do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

What do you think, Doc, a C-section? I suggested scientifically.

Oh, very interesting, he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay? my wife asked.

Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . Um . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . . Just ....

Excited, my wife offered.

Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

What's so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . . That . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

That's enough, I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad, he told me.

Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $130.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with
AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.

Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had
to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're
safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our
total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."

A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that
another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But
don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to
twelve hours."

Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But
the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one
engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take
sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."

The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last
engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four
hours altogether!"

http://www.math.ualberta.ca/~runde/jokes.html


================================================== ==============
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office
Willy S.
================================================== ==============

[Shirley B]

A high-priced lawyer, a low-priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are sitting at a table on which rests a $100 bill. The lights go out briefly, and when they come back on the bill is gone. Who took it? Obviously, the high-priced lawyer --the other two are figments of our imaginations.

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks
St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on
earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the
zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please -
I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with
white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,

"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled.

"No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiled
and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes,
God would have said, "You is what you is."

Caution: Laughing at this risks incurring the Wrath of the Revs (Sharpton & Jackson).


================================================== ==============
Of two evils
we must always choose the least.
Thomas a Kempis
================================================== ==============

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'

St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

Peter asks the next girl the same question, ' Sandra , have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'

St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, 'Reva, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'Listen, if I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Catherine sticks her *** in it.'

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote".

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Ah, now Don't ye be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said shyly, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Ah now isn't that wonderful! You be tellin' me all about him."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then,", and then slyly, "Oy vay, we sing good old Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Ah for sure now it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"Like you, we also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, dontcha know, we just screw.

[Gösta H. Lovgren]

A guy walked into the psychiatrist's office wearing only a cellophane suit.

The psychiatrist said "I can clearly see you're nuts."

[Big Kahuna]

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi who, on
Sabbath Eve, announces to his congregation that he
will not renew his contract. He explains that he must
move on to a larger congregation that will pay him
more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns a couple of Toyota and Lexus
dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims: "If the
Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Lexus every
year and his wife with a Toyota Sienna to transport
their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor,
stands and says: "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll
personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his children!!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces
with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks
her: "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to
say such a thing?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to
hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his
hand and shaking his head from side to side
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said,

"Screw the Rabbi!'"

[Tom Swift]

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"Beauty Pageant"

I moved from Southern California up to a rural area
of the Pacific Northwest recently. While the scenery
up here is beautiful, the women-folk do leave a little
to be desired in the areas of vanity and appeal.

I won't be the one to say they're NOT attractive,
but they held a beauty-pageant here last summer
... and nobody won.

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Joke DeJure

[Tom Swift]

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"The Half-wit"

A man owned a small farm in New Jersey. The NJ
Wage and Hour Department claimed he was
not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much
you pay them," Demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand
who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200
a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I
pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18
hours every day and does about 90% of all the
work around here. He makes about $10 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I
buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,"
says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

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Joke De Jour

[Tom Swift]

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"Prenuptial Agreement - Cajun Style"

Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put
him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge ,
Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat
were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine
upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin
dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun
propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and
Mable were in their 80s.

Mable went and told everyone at the Senior
Citizens home the good news. Renee, Mable's
best friend told her that since she was very
wealthy and the person she was about to wed
was, well to say the least not worth much and
she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.

Mable was sitting on the porch swing with
Boudreaux and she told him she would marry
him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.

Boudreaux dun told Mable I'll sign agreement,
you bet, 'cause I luv you so much.'

Mable got out her pen and paper and started:

She said: I want to keep my house down in
Texas with all the oil wells.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and
Lexus.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my
pick 'em up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored
near my summer home in Padre Island , Texas .

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays.

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[Tom Swift]

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"Red Dinosaur"

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a
plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture,
no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber
dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together
again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However,
it didn't work much better than before! As I
pondered what to do next, my son walked
into the bathroom.

He pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just
dislodged and asked excitedly, "Did you get
the green one, too?"

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Joke De Jure

[Tom Swift]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'


My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

[Tom Swift]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus :
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication :
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy :
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti :
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm :
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte :
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis :
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon :
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido :
All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) :
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.