A O U

How to Get Rich Quick in Farm Subsidies


To: Mr. Clayton Yeutter
Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friends, Wayne and Janelle, over at Wichita Falls, Texas received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

My friend Wayne is very excited about the future of this business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years and the most he ever made was $420 in 1978, until this year, when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to not raising about 4,000 hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane to better keep track of the hogs I'm not raising.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain and I don't want to miss the best of the season.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Otis Deal

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.


(Note - This appeared in the May 16, 1997 issue of Liberator online - A Libertarian newsletter. I am not a libertarian - I rate "Liberal-Left" on their World's Smallest Political Quiz. I suspect I'm pretty close though.)

End Rich Quick





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