A O U

When Shit Happens.


7th DAY ADVENTIST: Shit usually happens on Saturday.

BUDDHISM: When shit happens, is it really shit?

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, I must deserve it.

CONFUSCIANISM: Confuscius say "Shit happens, Grasshopper."

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.

HINDUISM: This shit happened before.

ISLAM: If shit happens, take a hostage.

JEHOVAH's WITNESS: Knock, knock, and shit happens.

JUDIASM: Why does this shit always happen to me?

MORMAN: Shit happens again and again.

PROTESTANTISM: Shit won't happen if I work harder.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit!!!

TAOISM: Shit just happens.

UNITARIAN: What is this shit?

ZEN: What really is the sound of shit happening?

(Source - Unknown - Probably a George Carlin routine)


When agnostics die, they go to the Great Perhaps.


THE PLAN

In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And The Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the Workers went into their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good. And The Plan became Policy.

And that is how Shit Happens.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom have we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where aaalllllll... chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was and whatever means used to accomplish it.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

SWEDE LOVGREN: The chickenshit government regulations made him do it ....... and in front of a car too.

(Source - Email passed on by Dusty - her home page address below)

End of When Shit Happens


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Copyrighted by G. H. Lovgren.
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